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“What He Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him”?

Q: When my boyfriend and I moved in together last year, he only did it on the condition that I promise to be monogamous with him. At first we argued about it because I’ve never understood why he’s so hung up on being sexually exclusive with one man.. For me, one of the best things…

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The Religion of Romance

Oscar Wilde once said, “In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” This remark reminds me of the two most common questions I hear from gay men. The first is ‘How can I find a lover?’ The second, once they find one,…

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Can I Get Sober Without AA?

Q: I’ve been an alcoholic for several years, and it’s starting to mess up my life. I‘m less effective at work, and I’ve had some fights with my boyfriend about my drinking. I went to a few AA meetings, but what they do isn’t for me! You see, I was raised in a strict fundamentalist…

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Can I Learn to Drink/Use Moderately?

I received a number of responses to a recent column (Can I get Sober Without AA?) in which I wrote that, for some problem drinkers, a return to controlled drinking is a realistic goal. Some readers were skeptical, a few were angry, and others asked for more information. As Pride month celebrations wind down, many…

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Forgiveness Isn’t Reconciliation

Q. I had a horrible break-up with my boyfriend a few years back. He got heavily into crystal meth and alcohol, and suddenly I was the enemy. He assaulted me verbally every day, and physically more than once. He slandered me to my friends and even tried to get me fired from my job by…

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Is it Learned or Biological?

Research shows that this minority orientation has the following profile: The trait is a “stable bimophism.” It occurs in all human populations as two orientations, expressed behaviorally. About 92% of the population has the majority orientation, and 8% has the minority orientation. The historical evidence suggests that both orientations have existed for at least five…

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Spirit Matters 5: A Gay Spiritual Sensibility

What makes people happy? No question is of more practical importance to all of us. In recent decades, researchers have studied the happiness of lack of it or more than a million people in every age group and in almost every culture in the world. Two psychologists, David Myers and Ed Diener, recently sifted through…

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Spirit Matters 4: Ten Queer Spiritual Roles

Christian de la Huerta is a man with a vision. Cuban-born, and displaced by Castro’s revolution, he achieved in the U.S. all the trappings of success –the hot lover, high-paying job, fabulous condo, sports car, Armani suits. Abruptly one day, feeling the emptiness of his life, and responding to an inner call, he walked away…

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Spirit Matters 3: Spiritual Authority

Aaron has a dilemma. He was raised as a member of a religious sect whose founder is revered by the faithful as a prophet and a saint, and whose every word is regarded as Absolute Truth. Aaron grew up feeling deeply connected to the sect. He had a sense of belonging to a community, and…

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Spirit Matters 2: Sex and Spirit

A while back I participated in an interesting project with the San Francisco AIDS Foundation. When participants in their Gay Life program were polled about what subjects they wanted to see addressed in workshops, one of the more frequently mentioned topics was “sexuality and spirituality.” I was asked to co-facilitate five of these workshops. I…

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