Psychotherapy • Consultation • EMDR
Last time, I wrote that the human brain is hard wired to experience a certain amount of paranoia. The brain isn’t an organ for dispassionately perceiving reality: it evolved to overcome threats and solve problems, so problems and perceptions of danger are what capture its attention. Neuropsychologist Rick Hanson writes that the human mind “scans…
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“What will make me happy?” Since everyone wants happiness, it would make sense to give this question some serious attention. But my impression is that most people don’t really think about it much, probably because most of us assume that we already know the answer. Most people seem to take it for granted that getting…
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Are you on our own side? I don’t mean are you on your own side against other people, but rather: Are you consistently loyal to your own well-being and highest good? Are you self-forgiving and patient with yourself when you make mistakes, or are you more inclined to be angry and self-punitive? When you go…
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“Am I on my own side?” I sometimes encourage clients who are wrestling with their “self-esteem issues” to ask themselves this simple but potent question. By being on your own side I don’t mean being against anyone else. I’m talking about a basic sense of loyalty to your own well-being which expresses itself as a…
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Some years ago I was walking with a friend in San Francisco when we passed a group of teenagers. One of the boys shouted “I hope you both die of AIDS disease!” I looked into his face and saw pure hatred in his eyes. I realized that he wasn’t seeing me at all, but a…
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Q: I’m a good-looking man and get my share of attention, but I don’t understand what makes it so hard for so many guys to say “No thanks” directly. I’m not made of glass, and I won’t shatter if somebody rejects me when I ask him out. But I don’t know how many times people…
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Last time I talked about strategies for healing “toxic shame,” which is a deep and pervasive sense of being defective and unlovable, and which I believe affects many gay people as a consequence of growing up in a homophobic environment. This time I’d like to focus on one particularly painful consequence of toxic shame, which…
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Some years ago, while talking with a group of gay men on the subject of forgiveness, I asked how many people in the auditorium had never experienced deep betrayal at the hands of another person. Not one of the approximately two hundred men in the room raised a hand. It was a powerful moment for…
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Do self-help books really help? Is it possible for us to make significant improvements in our psychological well-being by reading books? I do believe that some people can benefit from some of these books. The various skills which comprise emotional intelligence aren’t innate. We have to learn them, so it isn’t an unreasonable idea that…
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In this and the next four columns, I’m going to discuss four key principles for successfully solving problems and resolving conflicts in relationships, especially in intimate partnerships. It’s based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent over thirty-five years studying intimate relationships, including gay and lesbian partnerships. His research has…
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