Psychotherapy • Consultation • EMDR
“Am I on my own side?” I sometimes encourage clients who are wrestling with their “self-esteem issues” to ask themselves this simple but potent question. By being on your own side I don’t mean being against anyone else. I’m talking about a basic sense of loyalty to your own well-being which expresses itself as a…
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Some years ago I was walking with a friend in San Francisco when we passed a group of teenagers. One of the boys shouted “I hope you both die of AIDS disease!” I looked into his face and saw pure hatred in his eyes. I realized that he wasn’t seeing me at all, but a…
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Q: I’m a good-looking man and get my share of attention, but I don’t understand what makes it so hard for so many guys to say “No thanks” directly. I’m not made of glass, and I won’t shatter if somebody rejects me when I ask him out. But I don’t know how many times people…
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Last time I talked about strategies for healing “toxic shame,” which is a deep and pervasive sense of being defective and unlovable, and which I believe affects many gay people as a consequence of growing up in a homophobic environment. This time I’d like to focus on one particularly painful consequence of toxic shame, which…
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Some years ago, while talking with a group of gay men on the subject of forgiveness, I asked how many people in the auditorium had never experienced deep betrayal at the hands of another person. Not one of the approximately two hundred men in the room raised a hand. It was a powerful moment for…
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Do self-help books really help? Is it possible for us to make significant improvements in our psychological well-being by reading books? I do believe that some people can benefit from some of these books. The various skills which comprise emotional intelligence aren’t innate. We have to learn them, so it isn’t an unreasonable idea that…
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In this and the next four columns, I’m going to discuss four key principles for successfully solving problems and resolving conflicts in relationships, especially in intimate partnerships. It’s based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who has spent over thirty-five years studying intimate relationships, including gay and lesbian partnerships. His research has…
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This is the second of a five-part series on effective methods for resolving conflicts in relationships, based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s foremost researchers on the dynamics of relationships. Last time I talked about his insight that a conflict discussion generally ends on the same tone with which it…
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This is the third of a five-part series on effective methods for resolving conflicts in relationships, based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s foremost researchers on the dynamics of relationships. In the first article I talked about his insight that a conflict discussion generally ends on the same tone with…
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This is the fourth of a five-part series on effective methods for resolving conflicts in relationships, based on the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s foremost researchers on the dynamics of relationships. This week the subject is the importance of being willing to compromise. When Gottman writes that like it or not,…
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