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Tom Moon, M.F.T. Year: 2013

Year: 2013

Exploring Forgiveness 4. The Path of Forgiveness

If you’ve followed the series this far, you may be wanting to forgive someone who has harmed you, but wonder how to go about doing it. The five-step approach described below is adapted from a research-based process developed by Dr. Robert Enright at the University of Wisconsin. I highly recommend his book, Forgiveness is a…

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Exploring Forgiveness 3: The Benefits of Forgiveness

All of the world’s wisdom traditions seem to be unanimous on at least one point – that forgiving those who have harmed us is wiser than nursing grudges and resentments. One reason this is true is that forgiving means letting go of the past, which lightens our own loads. Holding onto grudges is a little…

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Exploring Forgiveness 2. Misconceptions

In the first part of this four-part series, I argued that victims have no moral obligation to forgive their perpetrators, and that feeling coerced by the idea of forgiveness as a duty can actually be harmful when victims aren’t ready to do it authentically. That said, it is true that there are benefits to practicing…

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Exploring Forgiveness 1. It’s Not a Duty

Q: I can’t stop hating my father. He was a violent man who beat, bullied and terrorized the whole family. He figured out I was gay years before I did, and thought it was funny to call me “the faggot,” even in front of strangers in public. I left home twelve years ago and have…

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What’s Your Attachment Style?

Attachment theory is a discipline in psychology which studies how people form intimate bonds with one another. The research has identified three primary attachment styles – secure, avoidant, and anxious. If you have difficulties in your intimate relationships, understanding you and your partner’s style may provide valuable insight into the root of the problem. For…

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Repeal the Fifth Commandment

In his first session, Andy tells me a horrific story of abandonment by his mother and regular beatings and verbal abuse by his alcoholic father. He tells this story with a bland nonchalance that I find chilling. I ask him what happened to his hurt and rage. He responds with clichés: “That was a long…

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Self-Care Isn’t Selfish

Do you think of yourself as a selfish person? Over the years I’ve been surprised to learn how many people harbor the same “secret” about themselves — “If people knew what I’m actually like inside, they’d be surprised to find out how selfish I really am.” An age-old tactic of exploiters and oppressors plays on…

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The Fear of Success

Recently in this space I discussed the fear of failure, a fear that anyone can understand. But the idea that some people might be afraid of success sounds strange. The word just means “a favorable result.” How could anyone be afraid of that? Yet everyone knows people who are their own worst enemies, who regularly…

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Naikan Therapy

It’s sad how many relationships, which begin with such love and promise, devolve into mutual rancor and resentment. When this happens is there something faulty in our basic expectations in relationships? When we resent other people for not living up to our expectations, aren’t we essentially acting on the assumption that we deserve to have…

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Whose Side Are You On?

Are you on our own side? I don’t mean are you on your own side against others but rather, are you consistently loyal to your own well-being and highest good? When you make mistakes, are you self-forgiving and patient with yourself, or are you angry and self-punitive? When you go through hard times do you…

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