Psychotherapy • Consultation • EMDR
One of the great secrets of life, and a central insight of cognitive therapy, was summed up in a simple way two thousand years ago by the Stoic philosopher, Epictetus: “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.” Most of us assume, most of the time, that when…
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Blake Spears and Lanz Lowen have been together in an open relationship for over 40 years, and in past columns I’ve reported on their in-depth research on the viability of long-term open relationships. In the past, they write, most research on gay male couples has shown that approximately two-thirds of long-term male couples who have…
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“I’ve always had a lot of casual and anonymous sex. Does that make me a sex addict?” “Isn’t the whole concept of sex addiction just another way of shaming gay men about their sexuality?” “Who says I’m addicted? Maybe I’m just a guy who likes to have a lot of sex!” When I discuss the…
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Last time I talked about the brain’s negativity bias, the innate tendency of our primitive threat systems to focus on problems and dangers (both imagined and real). But our brains are also equipped with reward centers, also relatively primitive, which focus on short-term gratification and basic pleasures, such as eating, drinking, and having sex. These…
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The human brain didn’t evolve for dispassionately finding truth, but for ensuring our survival. It has built-in biases in the way it processes information, and neuroscience has identified specific ways in which it lies to us about what’s happening around us. These falsehoods create a lot of suffering for us. In this and the next…
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Aaron comes into therapy because he’s stymied by constant fear. He hates his job, but won’t look for a new one because he’s afraid of job interviews. Whenever he’s in a social situation and sees someone he’s attracted to, he avoids him completely for fear of being rejected. He wants to join a gym, but…
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(Written the week of the Pulse massacre in Orlando, Florida.) Maybe we’d become too complacent. I think I had. We’ve all known what it feels like to be unsafe in the world, and we’ve known how much it hurts to be “otherized” – to be evicted from the circle of “us” and to be treated…
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It probably won’t surprise anyone that an optimistic outlook is good for your physical and emotional well-being. Optimists react to problems with a sense of confidence in their ability to respond effectively to the challenges in their lives. They are hopeful about the future, and believe that their personal problems, as well as those of…
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If you’re having a bad day, what is the best way to boost your mood? Will you be more likely to feel better if you do something to treat yourself, or will you feel better if you focus on doing something nice for others? Psychologists have actually researched this question, and have come up with…
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Q: My close friend Mark (that’s not his real name) – fell in love with someone nine years ago – I’ll call him Sam. Sam has done nothing but harm to him. He can’t hold down a job, even though Mark spent a lot of money he doesn’t have for schools and training programs for…
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