When Keith met Miguel he instantly had feelings for him that he hadn’t felt for anyone in years. He saw the real possibility of a relationship, and when Miguel reciprocated his interest, they began to date.

Keith was determined “not to blow it this time,” so he was careful to abide by all the dating rules he’d leaned over the years. In order to make sure he didn’t appear too needy he put on a cool, casual attitude and made sure he kept the intensity of his feelings to himself, so as not to frighten Miguel away. When Miguel called or texted him, he didn’t answer right away so as not to appear too eager. For the same reason, he’d let a couple of weeks go by between dates, even though he was thinking of him every day. After dating “casually” for a few months, Miguel stopped responding to him. Keith was devastated, but he was careful not to show those feelings. One evening they ran into each other, and, under the influence of some liquid courage Keith asked him “Why didn’t we work out?” Miguel seemed puzzled by the question, and replied “I didn’t think you were interested.”

Keith had followed all the dating advice he’d been given over the years — don’t appear demanding or needy; try to accommodate the other person’s presumed need for distance and boundaries; maintain a cool, nonchalant facade; hide your real needs and wishes – and this was the very advice that drove Miguel away.

This cautionary tale highlights what I believe is by far the best strategy for handling any dating situation, which is don’t strategize at all. Most people in my experience enjoy dating about as much as they enjoy job interviews, and a lot of that discomfort is probably due to being overly invested in impression management.

So throw out all the dating advice you’ve ever learned. When you simply tell the truth to the person you’re dating, express your real needs and feelings, and act from your genuine desires you accomplish three things. First, being authentic increases your general feeling of happiness and fulfillment, and being happy and fulfilled are among the most attractive qualities you can offer anyone else. Second, by expressing your real needs, you find out fairly quickly whether or not a potential partner can meet those needs. Not everyone is capable of doing that, and that’s fine, but if you’re authentic, you’ll figure that out early on so that you can move on and save both of you a lot of potential grief. You’ll also both know early on if you are genuinely compatible.

Third, and most important, whenever you are your authentic self in a dating situation, you give yourself and others a powerful and important message — that you have faith and confidence that you’re worthy of being loved exactly as you are right now.