Resolving Conflicts in Our Relationships II:
Repairing a Damaged Relationship

©Tom Moon, MFT, 2006

 

The last column summarized some of Seattle psychologist John Gottman’s ground-breaking research into what makes relationships work and what makes them fail. To recapitulate briefly, he identified four patterns of conflict which, if unchecked, are so lethal to a relationship that he termed them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Most couple counselors assume that when couples are caught in these negative patterns, they need to learn better ways to fight fairly and negotiate their differences. But Gottman’s research showed that this isn’t correct. He found that most ongoing arguments in relationships (69 percent, to be exact) are never resolved. That’s because most of these disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences in values, lifestyle, or personality. In all partnerships there are some basic differences, but when a couple constantly fights over them in the vain hope of “winning” all they succeed in doing is harming their relationship.

So what can you do if your relationship is descending into destructive conflict?

The key to successful relationships, Gottman found, isn’t how the couple handles disagreements, but how they are with each other when they aren’t fighting. When a couple is spiraling into warfare, the way out is to stop focusing so much on the differences and work more on enhancing the strengths in their relationship. One of the most direct ways of doing this is to make sure you’re continually learning more about your partner. In successful relationships, each partner makes plenty of cognitive room for the relationship by remembering the other’s history, his or her preferences, ideas, opinions, emotional rhythms, vulnerabilities, etc. – and constantly updating this understanding as the partner grows and changes. In all successful relationships, he found, both people know a lot of the tiniest details about each other – his favorite salad dressing, the name of her childhood best friend, favorite movies, clothing preferences, and so on. The easiest way to prevent a relationship from going stale is to work daily at being curious about what your partner is doing, feeling, and thinking.

The most deadly of the four horsemen is contempt, and the most effective way to prevent this cancer from poisoning your relationship is to work deliberately and daily at nurturing your fondness and admiration for one another. These qualities, Gottman found, are the two most crucial elements in any rewarding and long-lasting romance. Without the fundamental belief that your partner is worthy of honor and respect, no basis for a satisfying relationship exists. Moreover, focusing on your feelings of fondness and admiration for your partner is an immediate antidote to contempt, because contempt and admiration can’t both occupy your mind at the same time. When contempt arises, just turning your attention to remembering your partner’s positive qualities or the gratitude you feel for the ways he or she has enhanced your life, can do much to prevent a relationship from deteriorating.

Another simple strategy is to remember daily to turn toward each other rather than away from one another. Do you read the Sunday paper together or separately? Do you talk over dinner or eat in silence while watching television? Do you have little telephone chats during the day, and spend time talking about each other’s day in the evening? These little events do more to keep a relationship vital than any number of candlelight dinners or romantic vacations together. When you turn toward one another in small ways every day, you’re creating an emotional bank account for the relationship which will protect it in times of stress.

One of the most concrete ways to demonstrate your fondness and admiration is to let your partner influence you. When your partner expresses different opinions, does things in a different way from you, or gives you advice and suggestions, do you respond as if your personal power and autonomy are being threatened? Do you resort to criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling to drown your partner out and obliterate his or her point of view? Or do you listen, discuss and consider what you’re hearing? (Male couples take note: the research shows that men are far more prone to turn disagreements into power struggles than women.)

When you allow your partner to influence you, you’re also creating something else that is crucial in any successful relationship – a sense of shared meaning and purpose. While you can’t force yourselves to have the same deeply held views about the fundamentals in life, you’re far more likely to achieve some meeting of the minds on these issues if you’re open to each other’s perspectives. When you create an atmosphere in which each partner feels that their fundamental dreams and values are respected, you’re more likely to arrive at a sense of shared meaning of the purpose of your relationship, and more likely to experience each other as allies in the fulfillment of your deepest desires, rather than as adversaries who stand in each other’s way. Next: Handling Conflicts Skillfully

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