Open Relationships
©Tom Moon, MFT, 2005

Q:   My partner and I have been together in a monogamous relationship for almost four years, and now we're talking about opening it up so we can both have sex with other guys.   I'm a little worried about it and so is he.   I wonder if we're endangering the relationship.   When I told one of my friends, he said flat out, "Well, that's the beginning of the end."   Other friends say, "What took you so long?   No gay relationships are monogamous for long."   Can we make this work?

A:   This is a subject on which everyone seems to have a passionate opinion.   I don't agree with either of the statements you quoted from your friends.   I'm personally acquainted with many gay men who are thriving in long-term, successful relationships, some of which are open, and some of which are monogamous.   Both kinds of arrangements can work, provided it's what both parties really want, and that the basics of honesty, mutual respect, trust, and affection are there.

Which brings me to my first question.   Do you both really want an open relationship, or is one of you doing it to accommodate the other?   In my experience, some men seem "made" for monogamy and some for non-monogamy, and both camps seem to have a hard time understanding the other.   Some people only enjoy sex within the context of an intimate relationship, and have a hard time not seeing their partners' outside sex as betrayal and abandonment, no matter how much the partners assure them that "it's just sex"; and those who prefer non-monogamy tend to feel confined and strait-jacketed when they agree to be exclusive with their partners, no matter how sincere their commitment.   Many of the men I've seen in couple counseling come in because they're essentially mismatched. One wants monogamy and one doesn't, and their struggle is over who's going to accommodate the other.   In my experience, most couples with this basic disagreement ultimately separate.   This is an issue (another is whether or not to have children) where it's best to be sure you're both on the same page before you make a commitment.

But assuming you both want to open the relationship, the next question is what you each mean by "open relationship."   If, for one of you, it means an occasional night out with the boys at a sex club, and for the other it means having other boyfriends, you're headed for trouble.   I would suggest that you both write out a detailed description of the kind of arrangement you think would work best for you, and then compare notes.   See how much overlap there really is.

If you find you're both more or less on the same page, the next step is to negotiate an agreement you can both live with.   Some couples, for example, agree that they'll always tell each other about outside sex, while others decide that, while it will be understood that they're having other partners, they'll have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.   Almost all couples set some boundaries - i.e., not with our friends, not in our home, don't spend the night, only when I'm out of town, etc.   Make your agreement as detailed and explicit as possible.   Make sure you're both completely clear about what you're agreeing to, and that there are no unexpressed assumptions or agendas that will cause friction later.

I think it's also important not to assume that the transition to an open relationship will be a walk in the park.   The classic exploration of open gay relationships was a study of 156 couples by David McWhirter and Andrew Mattison, and published in book form as The Male Couple.   The men in this study had been in relationships lasting from one to thirty-seven years. Most of the couples began as monogamous, but by the five-year point, all of them had made some agreement allowing for outside sex. But the transition wasn't always easy.   More than 85 percent of the couples reported difficulties with it.   Open relationships turned out to be easier in theory than in practice.   The researchers concluded, "In principle most accept the idea of sex play with others, but when their partner exercises the option, feelings of jealousy, fear of loss and abandonment, or just plain anger frequently erupt."

So if you decide to move in this direction, don't be surprised if one or both of you feels insecure, bruised, or scared at times.   If your partner starts having these feelings, don't make him wrong for having them.   Don't say things like "You agreed to this, what's the problem?" or "I didn't know you were so insecure."   Never respond with contempt.   In my experience, nothing is more destructive to a relationship than contempt for a partner's vulnerabilities.   Be prepared to be patient and considerate of each other's feelings, and be especially ready to demonstrate who is really first in your heart.