I’m Only Attracted to Older Men

 

From a reader:

Hey Tom: I’m just the opposite of the guy in your last column (“I’m Only Attracted to Younger Guys.”) For as long as I can remember, I’ve only been turned on by guys who are much older than me – usually by about twenty years. I got with my first boyfriend when I was 18. When I came out to my mom she took it in stride, but she freaked out when I told her that he was 38. She kept saying over and over “Can’t you find a man closer to your own age?” until I told her that I didn’t want to hear it anymore. That was when I began to realize that, for some people, ageism is a bigger prejudice than homophobia.

Now I’m in my early thirties, and I’m with a lover who’s in his early fifties. I thought the gay community would be more accepting of my relationships than my family, but, if  anything, gay guys are even worse about age. In the gay community, it can be kind of isolating to be with an older partner. A lot of gay men react the way some straight people still act when they see a black man with a white woman. They’re polite to your face, but you get the feeling that, as far as they’re concerned, there’s just something not quite right about it. And then the comments they make behind your back get back to you, and you realize you’re not just being paranoid.

People make all kinds of assumptions about my relationship. They usually think that he’s rich (I wish!) and that I’m being “kept,” which, as a career-oriented, self-supporting guy, really pisses me off. They assume that he’s a top and that I’m just his bitch, or his boy toy. A few even seem to think he pays to have sex with me. Some guys are skeptical of my sincerity when I tell them that I think he’s really hot and that I love him and enjoy having sex with him. They think I must have some kind of ulterior, financial motive. Or they psychoanalyze me. My partner has a beard, so one friend pointedly asked me if my father also had one. Other guys have asked me if I had a bad relationship with my dad, or if I lost him at an early age (no and no.) They imply that, if I got over my father complex, I’d like guys my own age more. For years queers were told that they had their sexual preference because they were psychologically fucked up, and with that history behind us, you’d think these guys would have a little sensitivity about saying shit like that to other gay people, but where liking older men is concerned, they don’t get the connection.

A while back I went to a bar with my partner, and the next time I was there by myself, one of my friends said “What were you doing with that old troll?” I said, “You mean my lover?” He was embarrassed, but it didn’t even occur to him to apologize for insulting the man I love. His attitude was like, well, if you’re into old trolls, that’s your business, I guess.

I don’t really need any advice or anything about this, I just wanted the chance to rant a little bit. I am disappointed to a degree in my queer brothers, but when I remember the big picture, it’s not a major thing. I feel lucky to be able to appreciate what my older partner has to offer. He’s been through stages of life that I’m still in and has a perspective that no one my age can have. He’s gone through the partying and the superficiality, and has a lot of depth and interests that few guys my age have. I enjoy listening to him share information about music and gay history from times I’ve only read about. I trust his steadiness and his commitment to me, and I’m grateful that I get to have so much love in my life. Thanks, Clint.

Clint: Thanks for your articulate and insightful email. It speaks for itself, and the only suggestion I would have would be not to be too hard on your queer brothers for their attitudes. The ageism you describe is hardly confined to our community: it’s rampant throughout American culture. You are fortunate to have the presence of mind to be able to see it for what it is and to have the inner resources that allow you to follow what your heart tells you rather than what your culture tells you. It is probably this inner strength that has made it possible for you to be able to find so much love in your life.