Why Is It Hard to Forgive?
Some years ago, while talking with a group of gay men on the subject
of forgiveness, I asked how many people in the auditorium had never
experienced deep betrayal at the hands of another person. Not one of
the approximately two hundred men in the room raised a hand. It was
a powerful moment for all of us, a dramatic confirmation of the reality
that betrayal, loss, and abandonment are universal human experiences,
and that none of us gets very far in life without experiencing them.
This incident also underlined how vitally important for our happiness
it is to be skilled at forgiving others. Without this skill, at some
point we begin to be prisoners of the past, bound and constricted by
the increasing weight of our resentments and grudges. To try to get
through life without practicing forgiveness is a little like trying
to run a marathon while carrying a bowling ball. Forgiveness is, first
and foremost, a gift we give to ourselves.
Yet most
of us have, at one time or another, experienced deep resistance to
the idea of forgiving, and many of us are adamant that there are
some people we will never forgive for what they did to us. This
feeling is both common and strange. What is strange about it is that
grudges and resentments are painful experiences for the person
who holds them, and most of us know that we feel better when we’re
able to let go of them. Nevertheless, we’ve all held onto resentments,
as if we needed them. I believe there are at least four reasons people
do this:
1. We imagine that holding onto resentments punishes others. The
idea that harboring ill-will toward others somehow punishes them, even
when they have no idea what we’re thinking about them, is a common
irrational idea. I’ve heard many people say that they won’t
forgive a wrong that was done to them years ago because “it would
be letting him off the hook,” as if someone they haven’t
seen in years is somehow living “on a hook” if they continue
to think hateful and resentful thoughts about them, but would feel
undeservedly better if they stopped.
2. Forgiveness means condoning bad behavior. One
common misconception is that forgiving involves minimizing or even
denying the reality of the wrong that was done. In fact, however, we
forgive actors, not their actions. Forgiveness,
as I understand it, has two parts. The first is a decision to renounce
vengefulness, to let go of the impulse to get even. The second, more
subtle part, involves a decision to stop evicting the offender from
one’s heart – that is, to stop demonizing perpetrators,
seeing them as less than human, or as fundamentally different from
oneself. None of this involves excusing or minimizing bad behavior.
3. Forgiveness means that we have to let a person back
in our lives. This misconception is based on the
fallacy that forgiveness and reconciliation are the same thing.
They aren’t. It is usually a lot easier to forgive a wrong
if the perpetrator apologizes, but letting go of resentment and
vengefulness is still something we can do completely on our own,
without the other person even knowing we’ve done it. Forgiveness
involves letting go of the past, but reconciliation is about committing
to a future. It means returning to some degree of friendliness,
and for that to happen, trust has to be reestablished. Unlike forgiveness,
reconciliation can’t happen unilaterally. If I’ve done
you harm, the first step to reconciliation requires that I accept
and acknowledge my wrongdoing. If I deny responsibility for what
I did, or deny that I did anything wrong, we can’t really
be reconciled. If I act as if your feelings don’t matter,
or deny that you have any right to hold me to your ethical standards,
you won’t be able to trust that I won’t hurt you in
the future. Genuine reconciliation can’t just be based on
the desire for harmony. It requires a mutual commitment to shared
ethical standards, and, where serious harm is involved, a meaningful
process of amends and restitution. We may choose, then, to forgive
someone who has abused us, but still recognize that the person
might continue to be abusive toward us if we re-opened the relationship.
Forgiving doesn’t mean being naïve about the character
or intentions of others.
4. We believe that anger (not forgiveness) keeps us in
control. Anger is an intense energy, and feeling
it can make us feel safe and in control. But the bottomless, self-righteous
rage of those who feel mired in victimization feels anything but
powerful. Those who are caught in that mind-state invariably feel
impotent and imprisoned in their own inner hells.
Finally,
forgiving requires the maturity to accept some uncomfortable truths:
that the past can’t be changed; that another person’s
hateful actions can never be undone; and that the people who wronged
us may never see the error of their ways. But the practice of forgiveness
can also reveal another important and surprising truth: that in the
end no one else has to change in order for us to be at peace.